Becoming parents is one of the most wonderful experiences in the world (for many), it brings exponential love, tenderness, it leads you to give your best ... but also the worst: it is tired, exhausting and sometimes frustrating. What is clear is that The paternity it changes us, and not only does it individually, but Change our relationship. Now you are not two, you are three, and the third is your baby, a little being who needs 24 hours of care and attention. Where is the couple? Does becoming a parent always negatively affect our relationship? Is it possible to survive?
Changes, changes and changes ... and not just diapers
Let's start with a basic point: one of the issues we have to accept is that things will change. For better or worse? Well, it depends, among other things, on how we deal with it. What are the main changes (to which we must pay attention) that appear when two become three?
Changing roles
What are the roles? We all have several “roles” in life that we activate or deactivate depending on the moment or the person we are with. It is not that we change our personality, it is that we adapt to the conditions: one does not behave the same when alone with his parents than when he is with his gang of friends, do you understand?
Until now it was you, woman, worker, daughter, friend, lover ... man, worker, son, brother, friend ... With the arrival of the baby we will implement a new role, one of the great ones, in addition: that of mom and dad.
And where is the possible problem? In that new role that is so intense that it absorbs us so much, nullifies or displaces others creating a mismatch in us. One of the things that I usually explain in consultation is that we are like a table and that to be great we need to have all four legs of the table very stable and seated. For many these legs are: the social, the labor / personal development, the family and the couple (but there are those who have "other legs", of course).
If we neglect one of the legs, the table will limp yes or yes, if we neglect two, the risk of it coming down is strong, if there are three ... you can imagine. Well, maternity / paternity is sometimes so intense that it makes it difficult for us to give the other legs the attention they need. The result is that if we leave aside our role as a couple, the relationship will suffer, and so do we.
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Availability of time tending to zero
This, which sounds obvious and is the first thing that everyone warns you when you give the news that you are going to be parents, is one of the greatest and overwhelming truths of fatherhood: you will not have time for almost anything.
Your baby needs you, and your pet's spotted bodys have to be washed, and you have to go downstairs to buy diapers, and feed him and bathe him and love him ... and if you can, when you can, sleep.
The time for romantic dinners, to watch movies together on the couch or to have a little intimacy, is now hard to come by. And of course, if we do not do things as a couple, the relationship can suffer, because love is not something eternal and incorruptible, something that will endure for ever and ever, even though we don't take care of it, no. Love, relationships, need time and effort, this is how they stay healthy.
Priorities
Will the baby be alright? What do you need now? Why will he cry? We are going to walk because he has to go out, we are going to buy this because he needs it, we are going to go with him to ... It is evident that our little one needs us, and that he also does it all the time, but ... is it the only thing we have in our life?
As I was saying with the issue of roles, people are more than a specific role, and we need that range of variety to be well emotionally. One of the things we usually see in consultation is that the arrival of a baby can make the couple's priorities change, and sometimes they don't change in the same way for both members.
Yes, the baby is usually in first place, but is there anything else on the list or have we finished everything? Where is the couple, where is the individual need for time?
It's fascinating to watch a man's journey of becoming a father. At first, they try to show their most excitement to feeling a baby kick in their wives' bellies, even though they don't really get it. Then the nerves kick in once you rush to labor & delivery and maybe they realize that the time is coming. Their baby is born, they love them of course, but maybe the connection isn't there yet, and maybe it won't be there for a while. And then their baby starts showing love in their looks. They recognize their daddy. And their daddy starts to finally feel it… they're fathers. That connection grows and gets stronger. When they get home from work, the first thing they look for is the baby, and the baby reciprocates by going absolutely crazy when seeing their dad walk through the door. That's where we are at. I admire the devoted, loving, sweet and patient dad you are to our baby. I hope today you feel how much we love you, and how fundamental you are in our lives. You complete us. We love you Tim, happy first Father's Day
Fatigue
If there is a variable that can influence how we interact as a couple, this is the lack of sleep and rest. Irritability, a lower tolerance for the behavior of the other, little flexibility, etc. These are some of the consequences of the supreme fatigue that usually accompanies the early stages of fatherhood (some say that this extends until the child is forty years old, but let's be optimistic).
Sex life
One of the most frequent demands in consultation when couples with small children attend is precisely the change (for them worse) of their sex life: less quantity and, in many cases, less quality.
Why can this happen? For a sum of everything I've told before: change of priorities, lack of time, tiredness ... But then, is paternity the end of sexual life? No, tranquility in the masses, it is not the end, but we must work it so that we do not go to the badge, starting by not relegating it to the last positions of our list of priorities.
Sex is more than physical pleasureIt is intimacy, it is time as a couple, so we are interested, and much, pamper it, have it and take care of it.
Do not break me down, although tired and absorbing, paternity can also bring positive changes, both individually and as a couple: a greater union (If sharing life seemed beautiful to us, one cannot imagine what it is to share a child, another life, a beautiful little one), greater commitment (Now we are jointly responsible for a child, it is a common project that makes us develop long-term plans, which increases the commitment established between us), and more love ... because when you see your partner with your child in his arms, singing or bathing him suddenly you see him (your boy or your girl) with new eyes, some loaded with love.
If you are going to be daddies prepare for the changes, but be clear, no matter how much people tell you the worst of the worst, yes, it will be hard for the couple, but it will also be wonderful. If you work together, if you are a team, The experience will be absolutely enriching for the couple.
Photos: Pixabay.com; @mayavorderstrasse;
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